[And then Yujin's laughter dies away, the faint pops of twigs snapping as they burn up in the campfire filling up the absence; finally, he finds his words and speaks.]
I think I'm afraid, Jake.
[The admission's heavy. As he lets the words breathe, Yujin runs a hand back through his hair, fingers threading through the streak of white.]
Saying it aloud feels ridiculous. And yet, how could I not be? For years, I've kept any of my relationships with other men hidden. At best I'd be shamed. At worst... [He trails off. He doesn't want to finish the sentence.] Then, when you treat it all so flippantly, I... [Yujin shrugs.] I react. That privacy's kept me safe, so I guard it. Even when I no longer need to.
[He exhales heavily.]
But that was never the issue with Sholmes. That is my cowardice alone. In sixteen years, he's never loved anyone... I couldn't bear to drive him away.
[ A few interjections pop into Jake's head as Yujin speaks, and it's only a combination of the berries and his determined (if fragile) self control that keeps him quiet. Defensiveness, incredulity, frustration, and overzealous apology all took a back seat to sitting there like a lump of clay, malleable body quite literally softening at the corners while Yujin chewed through his halting, hesitant account of a time in history Jake could barely fathom.
... Well, maybe that wasn't quite true, either. ]
So you locked it all up. [ He supplies, finishing Yujin's thought for him without really thinking about it. Jake's voice had taken on the quality of a boy listening to a story, filling in the character motivations for himself and finding empathy hidden in the dark unexplored corners of Yujin's words. ] And probably lost the key somewhere along the way too, huh?
[Yujin hums in the affirmative, then lets his eyes fall shut as he reminisces. Sixteen years-- more than a third of his life, and nearly half of Sholmes'.]
He's seen me at my lowest, and I've seen him at his. We grew together, into the men we are now. He means... more to me than I can say. Why would I put a friendship like that at risk when we already lived oceans apart? I was content leaving it alone.
[A log in the heart of the campfire, burned enough to lose its integrity and grow weak, crumbles. The ash settles with a soft hush and shoots red-orange sparks up into the air.]
In my bananas memory dream deal. [ Jake supplies once again, face falling by degrees with each word. Whether it was out of guilt or pity remained to be seen. ] Dang, dude.
[Yujin swipes a hand over his face. He haaaaaates the orbs for that one. Hate hate hates them, even for the good parts-- maybe even especially for the good parts.]
It's a... bit of a sore spot, so my temper got the better of me.
[He lingers on the last statement before he turns to Jake, remorse-- real as it will ever be-- on his face.]
Dude. [ Jake begins, only to finish the thought with a groan as he drags a hand down his face, tugging unhappily at his own elastic expression. ] Don't--don't say you're sorry to me, the jerk razzing you about your like... tragic love story. I'd have punched that guy too. I hate that guy.
[ "The guy" in question slumped miserably forward, brow drown low as he let his gaze settle on the dancing flames in front of them before dragging it painfully back towards his friend. ]
I'm the one who's sorry, man. [ He should've left it there, but doesn't. Can't. And maybe that really was Yujin's power over him, in the end. ] I just got this stupid idea in my head and, y'know, once I get a stupid idea in my head it's a freakin' pain to shake it out again.
[ It's times like these that Jake finds himself missing his fur, angling his face toward the fire in the hopes of drowning his flush in its glow. He couldn't quite help it. There were times when it just kinda hurt to look at a person. Not because you hated them or because they hated you, but because of... well, because of the exact opposite. ]
Other than that one? [ He snorts, thumb and forefinger rubbing the tension from his eyes. ] I feel like it's not actually like, that separate. Or if it is, it's more like... I dunno, some sort of subterranean subconscious level griz, homie. Like, a big honked up tree that's got its roots going all through my brain cellar. Messin' up my thought jams and judgment jellies and, uh... pre-uh, presumption preserves.
[ He picks up a chunk of peat from the forest floor, tossing it into the fire with a shower of sparks. The embers reignited, sending the flames a little higher for a few moments before resettling.
With it, Jake takes a deep breath. ]
Look, man, like... I was the guy who pushed you with Emerton. I pushed and prodded and like, it was all just for fun, right? But I really thought you could use it too. You just have such a lonely vibe, and it's not like I could fix that, not really. [ As complicated as that was. ] Anyway, that basically exploded in my face. But really more yours, which, y'know. Sucks.
[ Another bit of peat in the fire. This time, Jake accompanies the spurt of flame with a soft pshoooo. ]
I just had this like... goofed up need to get you squared away before I ran outta time here. Stephen's a cool guy. [ Jake never let being wrong about one person shift his self confidence about another, for better or worse. ] And he's human, like you.
[ Something in how those words fell from his mouth -- or maybe just the context of them, here in a strange body that wasn't his own -- felt a little more loaded than Jake strictly intended. Compelled by a need to paper over the vague awkwardness of the implication, Jake plows ahead. ]
And he's an Orber, so y'know. You could really be yourself around him. [ Jake nudges Yujin, smile crooking with knowing antagonism. ] None of the secret stuff you love so much.
With that, however, he falls silent. As he listens intently, his gaze fixes on Jake's profile, bathed in the fire's warmth and light. This time, the quiet's more than simply an understanding. With their vulnerabilities on the table, all the apologies said and done, it's closeness-- genuine and hard-earned.
The campfire jumps and sputters out sparks once, twice. At the mouth of the shallow cave in which they've found shelter, Violet shifts, tucking her legs under her pink body, then resumes her watch from a more comfortably loafed position.
Yujin straightens up, a pensive look furrowing his brow. Champion of the roundabout statement as he is, he can read that little ember of a thing between the lines. But first, he plays it off:]
You're beginning to sound like my mother.
[But Jake has been honest, so he deserves much more than just the joke. Yujin relaxes his shoulders again, his legs stretched out towards the fire once more, and looks sheepishly back at Jake.]
It isn't your fault. Or mine. Not everything can work out so neatly. [He smiles, modest. Whether this is about Emerton or something else isn't clear. It's all right: he's content leaving it alone, and he's certain that Jake is too.] You have made me far less lonely, for whatever it's worth.
[Yujin glances over at Violet, whose tail flicks lazily back and forth, then directs his gaze to the campfire once again.]
I've always thought of Stephen as-- [He pauses awkwardly, embarrassed. When in doubt, swipe Jake's future lingo.] He really is cool, isn't he? He reminds me of Kazuma's father, actually. The first man at your side when you're in need, but the very last to ask for help himself. He's a good man... I trust him. I really can be myself around him, and...
[But something else strikes him. He turns to Jake, brows knit together in concern.]
What do you mean, "ran out of time"? Have you decided to return home?
[ Mind marmalade earns a well deserved snort, followed up with a trail of fading laughter that yoyoed between fond and exhausted. Always good to be reminded that there was more to Yujin to appreciate than a sick mustache and a mean right hook. ]
Oh yeah, man, hang with me long enough and I'll sound like whatever relative you want. [ He counts off on his fingers, unthinkingly growing extra ones as needed. ] Moms, dads, uncles, cousins, nieces, surly stepkid... I'm fluent in all the nagging dialects, bro.
[ The joke is maybe a little hamfisted, goes on a little long, but such was the way with nerves. Jake could take solace in how comfortable Yujin looked, ignoring his slip up with aplomb. Aplomb and, dare Jake dread to notice, politeness. The sting of it was less acute now that it was localized to a single area of awkwardness, rather than the broadscale shut out from before. This was progress.
As for whatever itch was left on his brain, Jake knew it couldn't last forever. See, that's the thing about itches you can't reach: They may drive you crazy for a while, may make you act totally outside your head and make a fool of yourself trying to get at 'em, but leave them alone long enough and they just kinda... go away.
Now, as someone who could contort his body into any shape imaginable, it maybe took Jake a little longer than most to learn that lesson than most people... But he hadn't been a pup for a long, long time. So when Yujin's gaze softens, sharing things with him that he'd be pilloried for in his own time, Jake's pleased grin is more than genuine. Yujin being happy, Yujin finding someone who made him feel like he could have something he'd never grasped for in his real life (whatever that meant)...
That was worth a lifetime of itching, in this dog's humble opinion. ]
[ The closer Yujin's speech strays to gushing, the broader Jake's grin becomes. He even throws in a waggle of the eyebrows at a good man, chin settled firmly in his palm while listening raptly to his friend unfurl just how bad he had it. Yujin's voice sounded good this way. Lighter. A far cry from the tired, broken man that once asked him if he was the common denominator for all his heartbreak over the years.
Jake could've happily listened to him talk like all day. Would have, too, if it weren't for how Yujin seemed to catch himself mid word. ]
Huh? [ Jake asks on reflex, mentally scrubbing through their conversation to try and remember what the heck the context was for his own words. ] Nah, man, nah, I'm not going anywhere, Finn's still got his biz all gronked. I'm here until he's all squared away too, dude.
[ Jake furrows his brow, confused at not only the sudden shift in topic but also this line of questioning. ]
They can do that? [ He's definitely been told they can before, he's just got a brain like Swiss cheese when it comes to details. Sorry, buddy. ] Like, no warning?
[Jake, how could you forget??? It's only been on his OWN mind, like, always: they're always on borrowed time on the Ximilia, and he's never forgotten it once.]
In that case. The orbs can send you back home at any time, even if you don't choose to leave. No warning.
[ Are you new, Yujin? Jake might've even asked him that directly, if it weren't for the gears now clicking into position in his head. ]
That--I mean, I knew people left, man, I think I just thought they dipped or something, like. Like ding-dong-ditch style, bro. [ He drags a hand up across his forehead, fingers catching against his tight curls. Jake still wasn't used to hair instead of fur. ] Well, that's not great.
No... even those with strong reasons to remain have suddenly left, I've heard. It's been known to happen.
[It's not like Jake, to fret over something that doesn't warrant it. (Not that suddenly leaving the Ximilia doesn't warrant it, but for Yujin, it's one of those concerns that's already become background noise.)
Yujin, brows knitting together in concern, reaches out a hand to rest on Jake's arm.]
[ Brow knit tight, face pressed hard against his palms, Jake lets out a long unbroken groan. His hands grew a little bigger with each passing second until Jake may as well have been yelling into a pillow.
Even in times of crisis, Jake's subconscious knew how to commit to a bit. ]
Yeah, man. [ His voice comes out muffled against his enlarged palm, right hand breaking away to offer a comically huge (and comically wobbly) thumbs up. ] Everything's awesome.
[Thumbs up aside, giant hands are probably not a good indicator of things being awesome, Yujin reasons to himself. (He's also not so used to these powers on a human, as opposed to the stretchy dog he's familiar with.)
His tone's gentle as he tilts his head slightly, trying to get a look at Jake's face beyond... all that. Hand.]
Really. What's the matter, Jake?
[He's never asked Jake about his regret. Could he really have one so significant?]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
2/2 you guessed it! cw period homophobia!
I think I'm afraid, Jake.
[The admission's heavy. As he lets the words breathe, Yujin runs a hand back through his hair, fingers threading through the streak of white.]
Saying it aloud feels ridiculous. And yet, how could I not be? For years, I've kept any of my relationships with other men hidden. At best I'd be shamed. At worst... [He trails off. He doesn't want to finish the sentence.] Then, when you treat it all so flippantly, I... [Yujin shrugs.] I react. That privacy's kept me safe, so I guard it. Even when I no longer need to.
[He exhales heavily.]
But that was never the issue with Sholmes. That is my cowardice alone. In sixteen years, he's never loved anyone... I couldn't bear to drive him away.
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... Well, maybe that wasn't quite true, either. ]
So you locked it all up. [ He supplies, finishing Yujin's thought for him without really thinking about it. Jake's voice had taken on the quality of a boy listening to a story, filling in the character motivations for himself and finding empathy hidden in the dark unexplored corners of Yujin's words. ] And probably lost the key somewhere along the way too, huh?
no subject
He's seen me at my lowest, and I've seen him at his. We grew together, into the men we are now. He means... more to me than I can say. Why would I put a friendship like that at risk when we already lived oceans apart? I was content leaving it alone.
[A log in the heart of the campfire, burned enough to lose its integrity and grow weak, crumbles. The ash settles with a soft hush and shoots red-orange sparks up into the air.]
Until I saw him again, that is.
[He shakes his head.]
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[Yujin swipes a hand over his face. He haaaaaates the orbs for that one. Hate hate hates them, even for the good parts-- maybe even especially for the good parts.]
It's a... bit of a sore spot, so my temper got the better of me.
[He lingers on the last statement before he turns to Jake, remorse-- real as it will ever be-- on his face.]
I'm sorry, Jake.
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[ "The guy" in question slumped miserably forward, brow drown low as he let his gaze settle on the dancing flames in front of them before dragging it painfully back towards his friend. ]
I'm the one who's sorry, man. [ He should've left it there, but doesn't. Can't. And maybe that really was Yujin's power over him, in the end. ] I just got this stupid idea in my head and, y'know, once I get a stupid idea in my head it's a freakin' pain to shake it out again.
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[Yujin shifts, propping an elbow up on his knee so he can rest his chin in his palm.]
What was the idea? ...Other than the one about Stephen.
[Which they both already know Jake's right about. Dog picking up a scent and whatnot.]
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Other than that one? [ He snorts, thumb and forefinger rubbing the tension from his eyes. ] I feel like it's not actually like, that separate. Or if it is, it's more like... I dunno, some sort of subterranean subconscious level griz, homie. Like, a big honked up tree that's got its roots going all through my brain cellar. Messin' up my thought jams and judgment jellies and, uh... pre-uh, presumption preserves.
[ He picks up a chunk of peat from the forest floor, tossing it into the fire with a shower of sparks. The embers reignited, sending the flames a little higher for a few moments before resettling.
With it, Jake takes a deep breath. ]
Look, man, like... I was the guy who pushed you with Emerton. I pushed and prodded and like, it was all just for fun, right? But I really thought you could use it too. You just have such a lonely vibe, and it's not like I could fix that, not really. [ As complicated as that was. ] Anyway, that basically exploded in my face. But really more yours, which, y'know. Sucks.
[ Another bit of peat in the fire. This time, Jake accompanies the spurt of flame with a soft pshoooo. ]
I just had this like... goofed up need to get you squared away before I ran outta time here. Stephen's a cool guy. [ Jake never let being wrong about one person shift his self confidence about another, for better or worse. ] And he's human, like you.
[ Something in how those words fell from his mouth -- or maybe just the context of them, here in a strange body that wasn't his own -- felt a little more loaded than Jake strictly intended. Compelled by a need to paper over the vague awkwardness of the implication, Jake plows ahead. ]
And he's an Orber, so y'know. You could really be yourself around him. [ Jake nudges Yujin, smile crooking with knowing antagonism. ] None of the secret stuff you love so much.
no subject
With that, however, he falls silent. As he listens intently, his gaze fixes on Jake's profile, bathed in the fire's warmth and light. This time, the quiet's more than simply an understanding. With their vulnerabilities on the table, all the apologies said and done, it's closeness-- genuine and hard-earned.
The campfire jumps and sputters out sparks once, twice. At the mouth of the shallow cave in which they've found shelter, Violet shifts, tucking her legs under her pink body, then resumes her watch from a more comfortably loafed position.
Yujin straightens up, a pensive look furrowing his brow. Champion of the roundabout statement as he is, he can read that little ember of a thing between the lines. But first, he plays it off:]
You're beginning to sound like my mother.
[But Jake has been honest, so he deserves much more than just the joke. Yujin relaxes his shoulders again, his legs stretched out towards the fire once more, and looks sheepishly back at Jake.]
It isn't your fault. Or mine. Not everything can work out so neatly. [He smiles, modest. Whether this is about Emerton or something else isn't clear. It's all right: he's content leaving it alone, and he's certain that Jake is too.] You have made me far less lonely, for whatever it's worth.
[Yujin glances over at Violet, whose tail flicks lazily back and forth, then directs his gaze to the campfire once again.]
I've always thought of Stephen as-- [He pauses awkwardly, embarrassed. When in doubt, swipe Jake's future lingo.] He really is cool, isn't he? He reminds me of Kazuma's father, actually. The first man at your side when you're in need, but the very last to ask for help himself. He's a good man... I trust him. I really can be myself around him, and...
[But something else strikes him. He turns to Jake, brows knit together in concern.]
What do you mean, "ran out of time"? Have you decided to return home?
1/2
Oh yeah, man, hang with me long enough and I'll sound like whatever relative you want. [ He counts off on his fingers, unthinkingly growing extra ones as needed. ] Moms, dads, uncles, cousins, nieces, surly stepkid... I'm fluent in all the nagging dialects, bro.
[ The joke is maybe a little hamfisted, goes on a little long, but such was the way with nerves. Jake could take solace in how comfortable Yujin looked, ignoring his slip up with aplomb. Aplomb and, dare Jake dread to notice, politeness. The sting of it was less acute now that it was localized to a single area of awkwardness, rather than the broadscale shut out from before. This was progress.
As for whatever itch was left on his brain, Jake knew it couldn't last forever. See, that's the thing about itches you can't reach: They may drive you crazy for a while, may make you act totally outside your head and make a fool of yourself trying to get at 'em, but leave them alone long enough and they just kinda... go away.
Now, as someone who could contort his body into any shape imaginable, it maybe took Jake a little longer than most to learn that lesson than most people... But he hadn't been a pup for a long, long time. So when Yujin's gaze softens, sharing things with him that he'd be pilloried for in his own time, Jake's pleased grin is more than genuine. Yujin being happy, Yujin finding someone who made him feel like he could have something he'd never grasped for in his real life (whatever that meant)...
That was worth a lifetime of itching, in this dog's humble opinion. ]
2/2
Jake could've happily listened to him talk like all day. Would have, too, if it weren't for how Yujin seemed to catch himself mid word. ]
Huh? [ Jake asks on reflex, mentally scrubbing through their conversation to try and remember what the heck the context was for his own words. ] Nah, man, nah, I'm not going anywhere, Finn's still got his biz all gronked. I'm here until he's all squared away too, dude.
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[What an odd way to phrase it. Thoughtfully, Yujin scratches his mustache.]
You aren't worried about the orbs sending you home before you're ready, are you, Jake?
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They can do that? [ He's definitely been told they can before, he's just got a brain like Swiss cheese when it comes to details. Sorry, buddy. ] Like, no warning?
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[Jake, how could you forget??? It's only been on his OWN mind, like, always: they're always on borrowed time on the Ximilia, and he's never forgotten it once.]
In that case. The orbs can send you back home at any time, even if you don't choose to leave. No warning.
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That--I mean, I knew people left, man, I think I just thought they dipped or something, like. Like ding-dong-ditch style, bro. [ He drags a hand up across his forehead, fingers catching against his tight curls. Jake still wasn't used to hair instead of fur. ] Well, that's not great.
no subject
[It's not like Jake, to fret over something that doesn't warrant it. (Not that suddenly leaving the Ximilia doesn't warrant it, but for Yujin, it's one of those concerns that's already become background noise.)
Yujin, brows knitting together in concern, reaches out a hand to rest on Jake's arm.]
Is everything all right?
no subject
Even in times of crisis, Jake's subconscious knew how to commit to a bit. ]
Yeah, man. [ His voice comes out muffled against his enlarged palm, right hand breaking away to offer a comically huge (and comically wobbly) thumbs up. ] Everything's awesome.
no subject
[Thumbs up aside, giant hands are probably not a good indicator of things being awesome, Yujin reasons to himself. (He's also not so used to these powers on a human, as opposed to the stretchy dog he's familiar with.)
His tone's gentle as he tilts his head slightly, trying to get a look at Jake's face beyond... all that. Hand.]
Really. What's the matter, Jake?
[He's never asked Jake about his regret. Could he really have one so significant?]
You can tell me.